Teen Trek? God save Pike
by ActuallyTrash007
Summary: A curious Q has seen seven realities, in each one member of the command crew, dies in their teenage years. What's Q to do? Why gather them all up and cause havoc in a reality that is sorely lacking their presence.
1. Chapter 1

**Strap your seats in you little shits, as I proceed to portray the longest fucking Teen Crew AU in Star Trek Parody clarify early on, this is a story, if you can call this shit show a story heaven forbid, is the Enterprise being run by a teenage command crew. How this came to be is a tale of pure fucking madness, and a lack of respect for the rigid protocols the Federation has a boner for.**

 **Warnings: There will be mild underage aspects, such as underage drinking, also no sex just..frottage? God, I hate that word. All characters will be between the ages fifteen and seventeen. Brief mentions of child neglect and abuse.**

 **Also Q ex machina.**

* * *

James T Kirk is known for two things: being a hooligan of the highest caliber, and being the son of Winona Kirk and George Samuel Kirk, Sr.

However, something he's far less known for is his ability to be quiet.

Which is currently being tested by the pile of people he is currently underneath.

They all appeared human to Jim -actually scratch that he can see a pointed ear near his left foot. So five unconscious humans and one Vulcan were currently crushing him, in a sadly not drunken pile. A drunken pile would have been easy enough for Jim to accept, after all, he'd been sneaking off with Haliban and Mavie to the bar since he turned sixteen last month, but his head was clear and the only trace of alcohol he could smell was of the rubbing variant

 _So why the hell was he engaged in some form of a doggy pile with total strangers?_

"Aargh.."

A groan interrupted Jim's customary ' _strange situation analysis'_

He'd coined the phrase when he found himself in an abandoned house near I-74.

Turned out an old woman had kidnapped him because he looked like her grandson.

He and Margaret now have coffee every other Wednesday!

"What in sam hell is going on here!"

Hopefully, this situation was similar to the other one.

Turning his head slightly to the source of the shout, Jim discovers something quite funny.

An angry ass southern guy.

Albeit, a very attractive angry southern guy _who is currently digging his elbow into Jim's stomach._

* * *

"So, you're absolutely sure there was no booze involved in the forming of this shit show Jim?"

The now free, and identified, Leonard McCoy grumbled from his place next to Jim against the wall. They'd dragged each other out the dogpile as soon as Leonard had gotten his bearings.

Jim, well James actually but Leonard would be damned if he called him that, nodded rapidly.

"I don't smell the good kind of alcohol on any of us, also I'm pretty sure the small child next to the Vulcan guy is physically prohibited by God to drink"

Leonard choked back a laugh.

He did not, want the others in the room to wake up before he and Jim had surveyed the room they were in.

Plus Leonard had heard, from his naan bless the woman, that if you had two trios together you'd also have two assholes.

 _At the very least._

Leonard could certainly wait to meet the other one in the room.

"I'm not saying your wrong Jim, however, I don't think the boy is a small child"

"Leo he is wearing a goddamn vintage Spider-Man onesie"

"I admit, he's a child in mind. However, it's an adult vintage Spider-Man onesie, small is not appropriate Jim!"

Clearly, they had grown close in the last ten minute.

He'd fought out of the dog pile with the man, surviving pointy elbows and cuddly teenagers was a bonding experience damn it!

" We'll ask him when he wakes up, for now, we need a plan it looks like we're aboard some type of vessel, possibly a rogue Starfleet-"

"Wait"

Leonard interrupted Jim, turning to look the man in the eyes.

"How do you know we're on a Starfleet ship? You an Interstellar baby?"

Jim blinked, his face flushed slightly at Leo's comment. It was too close to an old twenty-first-century song, his mother used to play when she did some chores around the house.

" My mom was the stationed aboard Starfleet's USS Kelvin, she's shown me holo's of some of the ships she's been stationed aboard"

Jim looked at Leo, he wasn't wearing civilian clothes, wonder what'd he wear if he was?

Probably flannel.

"And you are currently wearing a Starfleet regulation uniform! Hey, it's blue so you're probably wearing a medic one."

The withering stare Jim got was quite poisonous.

Absolutely adorable.

"Jim, my hatred for interstellar travel aside, I'm a bit more worried about who put us in Starfleet colors"

Leonard snarled, gesturing towards Jim's gold shirt.

 _" Holy shit Leo I'm a captain"_

"Keptin?"

Leonard's and Jim's heads made a sickening crack as they turned to the soft voice in the middle of the dog pile.

A webbed hand shot from the pile.

"Keptin save meee!"

"SMALL CHILD!"

 _Leonard proceeded to try and brain himself, as Jim raced back to the war zone_

* * *

 _"It was too hot Keptin"_

"It's all right now child, you're safe"

Jim cooed, his arm secured around the boy as he steered them to where Leonard was sitting.

"If you're done with the adoption papers Jim, I'd like to get back to the issue at hand"

Leonard sighed, scooting over to make room for the two teens.

Jim looked like the mama goose on his grandpa's farm, _the one who stole one of the hen's chicks and refused to give it back_

"Of course Leo, we have a very serious situation-"

Leonards' eyebrows rose.

"-why is the kid is wearing Spider-Man while we are wearing the Starfleet spring collection"

The kid blinked.

"You are not an actual Keptin, Keptin?"

"Nope, I just woke up dressed as one. I'm Jim! What's your name, my small child?"

Jim smiled at the kid, he saw him positively light up.

" I am Pavel Chekov, I am fifteen years Keptin Jim!"

Leonard dragged his hand over his face

For fuck's sake, If Jim wasn't attached to Chekov when he saw the boy in the pile. He certainly was now, _the boy called him Keptin Jim goddammit!_

"LEO HE'S SO _TINY!_ "

 _Holy hell where is the airlock in this flying tin can ?!_

* * *

 **Welcome to the start of my decline from society, anywho review if you have any questions about the story. I'll start writing chapter two and update soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Strap your seats in you little shits, as I proceed to portray the longest fucking Teen Crew AU in Star Trek Parody clarify early on, this is a story, if you can call this shit show a story heaven forbid, is the Enterprise being run by a teenage command crew. How this came to be is a tale of pure fucking madness, and a lack of respect for the rigid protocols the Federation has a boner for.**

 **Warnings: There will be mild underage aspects, such as underage drinking, also no sex just..frottage? God, I hate that word. All characters will be between the ages fifteen and seventeen. Brief mentions of child neglect and abuse.**

 **Also Q ex machina.**

* * *

"Keptin Jim, do you speak Russian?"

"Pavel I would not get your hopes-"

"да, я говорю, русский маленький паук"

"-JESUS FUCK JIM!"

That was the scene Spock awoke to.

Spock was, usually, a very light sleeper. Most Vulcans were, as logically deep sleep was reserved only for healing trances.

So how he had managed to sleep, through what seemed to be quite an ordeal, he will never know.

"How the fuck do you know Russian Jim"

It seems, that the three humans who were conscious were in the midst of a verbal battle.

"Ну, когда-то был этот русский студент по обмену. Он был очень красив."

The man in the golden shirt, probably the aforementioned Jim, cooed.

"Капитан! Ваш русский неплох!"

A child, in a somewhat horrifying Terran one piece, responded to Jim.

Spock held his breath as he remained as quiet as possible. To give away his status, before he had time to survey his surroundings, would be quite illogical.

The man, Jim, in gold was of medium height. Quite a bit shorter then Spock himself, and had untamed wheat-blond hair.

The man seemed average, by Terra standards.

well except for his eyes.

They were very, very blue. They remind Spock of a pair matching socks his mother had knitted him and his father, to try and get them to reconcile after an argument.

They bonded over the illogicality, and sincerity, of such actions

The child, in the abhorring onsie, was the smallest. His chestnut hair had a curly appearance, and his eyes were a common hazel.

"Jim, I'm beginning to think you're a member of the mafia"

"Leo, you ass I am from Iowa"

"EXACTLY Who in Iowa speaks Russian?!"

Ah, the last conscious Terran. He was taller than Jim but shorter than Spock.

And clearly, in words, his mother would use.

He was an asshole.

* * *

"You know Leo if you understood Russian, like me and the small child, _you'd know why I learned Russian_ "

Jim huffed, turning his back to Leo.

Really, the mob? Jim knew he didn't look or sound like a mobster.

And okay yeah, so there was that time he threatened Professor Brenda Tallinn.

But the lady was giving F's to the kids in her class who were out of the closet.

 _She deserved it!_

"Da! Me and ze Keptin are offended, Leo!"

"Oh for fucks-"

" Captain, would you like me to dispose of this disrespectful medical officer?"

Jim blinked, as he turned around.

Only to find the Vulcan guy staring coldly at a bristling Leo.

 _How in the hell, did the Vulcan manage to untangle himself so easily._

"Disrespectful? You think I'm the disrespectful one, you're the one who offered to dispose of me!"

"You have clearly offended, and spoken garishly to, your captain medical officer. You are obviously insubordinate, and should the captain need assistance to restrain you I shall do so"

Jim's jaw dropped, and next to him he could hear Checkov let out a very quiet _'oh shit'_

He would have gasped at the small child's language, had he not been in shock.

And confusingly aroused.

Leo's eye started twitching, quite rapidly.

He took a very deep breath in.

"Jim take my motherfucking class ring, or I'm gonna break it on his fucking face"

 _Wait, what?_

"What is the Terran phrase? Bring it on?"

Jim spluttered as Leo threw him his class ring

* * *

 **да, я говорю, русский маленький паук-yes I say Russian little spider**  
 **Ну, когда-то был этот русский студент по обмену-Well, once there was this Russian exchange student**  
 **Он был очень красив-He was very handsome**  
 **Капитан! Ваш русский неплох-Captain! Your Russian is not bad**  
 **Forgive me, I used google translate.**

 **I know it's a short chapter, but don't worry! I'm starting the third right away!**


	3. Chapter 3

"Keptin"

"Yes, Chekov?"

"Do we stop them?"

"Me, not we"

"What! Why can't I help?!"

"You are small and you're wearing a Onesie"

"...But-"

" _You are not taking on an angry southern man and a Vulcan in a Spider-Man onsie"_

"...Stop them Keptin before they kill each other in your honor"

Chekov huffed, sitting down.. as he watched his Keptin put on Leo's class ring?

"Keptin, why are you wearing Leo's ring?"

Chekov watched as Jim's face flushed, and his legs fidgeted.

"...The pants are a size too small, his ring won't go in these small ass pockets"

Checkov didn't even try to contain his snort.

His Keptin was the girlfriend in American high schools, the one who wears her boyfriend's jersey to the pigskin football games.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go wake up one of the deep sleepers so they can help"

Jim said as he started sprinting to the not so dogpile, barely avoiding a collision with Spock.

Who Leo had just thrown to the floor.

And oh shit, where had Leo's sleeves gone?

"Please hurry Keptin, I think Mr. Vulcan is planning Leo's murder"

Jim looked at said Vulcan briefly-

"Murder is killing intelligent beings child, _this is pest control_ "

\- and ran like hell to the pile.

* * *

Sulu has been a very deep sleeper since childhood, with two bratty sisters like his he had to get used to noise and general chaos.

So when he felt himself being dragged, from a small pile of people, by a guy who looks like he has smiled in the face of demons-

"Hey wanna help me break up a bitch fight?"

"Hell yeah!"

\- he didn't even bat an eye.

* * *

Chekov watched as Jim hauled a taller guy out of the now not dog pile.

The first thing Chekov noticed about the guy? It was his fluffy hair.

 _The second was how he tackled back to the ground._

"Holy shit! I think we're gonna be great friends Mr-?"

Jim grunted out, as he grabbed Leo before he could go back after the Vulcan.

"Hikaru Sulu, but you can call me Sulu Captain!"

Chekov blinked, as he saw Sulu wrap his legs around Spock and put him in a chokehold from behind.

"Actually-HEY! LEO DONT YOU DARE BITE ME- I am not a captain Sulu. Just Jim"

Chekov sighed in relief, as he saw the Vulcan stop struggling in Sulu's hold at the Keptin's words.

"So dude, don't try and dispose of Leo. He can legally be an ass to me, and I can legally punch him for it myself!"

Leonard stopped struggling and turned his head back to look at Jim.

"...Are you wearing my class ring on your wedding-"

"Another word _and I am going to legally kick your ass"_

Chekov promptly burst into relieved laughter.

* * *

Leo huffed as Jim finally sat down next to him.

After Pavel had stopped trying to bust a kidney laughing his ass off, Jim had decided that a _'sharing circle'_ was needed.

He'd set them up so that they were surrounding the two unconscious humans, who are probably in coma's let's be honest.

If they could sleep through him kicking the pointy-eared bastard's ass then they probably won't be waking up at all.

"Alright team, let's start with introductions. I'm James Tiberius Kirk, call me Jim!"

Jim hummed as he bounced like a damn yo-yo. Honestly, if he thought the rest of them would play the first day of class-

"Hello Jim, I am Spock"

\- well, never fucking mind.

"I'm Leonard Mccoy, and I hate all of you"

Leo Huffed, as Jim gasped in sudden but inevitable betrayal.

"I'm Hikaru Sulu, and I call bullshit"

"I'm Pavel Chekov and I agree!"

Sulu turned his head towards Chekov, smiling.

"Spider-Man agrees with me Mccoy, your opinions invalid"

Leo felt his eye twitch, yet again.

However, he could feel Jim's hand gripping the back of his shirt like a vice.

He had a feeling the shitty Starfleet shirt material would rip even more if he tried to lunge at Sulu while Jim was holding him back, so no brawls for now.

Well unless he fought shirtless.

"So Captain Jim, why are we on a Starfleet Vessel in Federation uniforms?"

Sulu turned once again to Chekov.

"Well most of us at least"

"Sulu...we have no fucking idea"

Jim sighed, finally letting go of Leo's shirt so he could run his hands through his hair.

"We only woke up, what an hour ago Jim?"

Leo chimed in, rubbing his very bruised knuckles.

How was Vulcan skin that fucking tough?

"Yep, and then we got sidetracked by Spock and Leo's bitch fight-"

Leo's eye twitched, yet again.

Across from him, he saw Spock raise his eyebrow.

The bastard.

"-Oh come on you two, your battle was full of spite and southern anger I reserve the right to call it as it is"

Sulu nodded as Leo glared at Jim.

"I have broken up many bitch fights in my life, I give it an eight out of ten"

Leo blinked very slowly.

"Why eight?"

Leo grumbled, not actually sure _if he wanted_ to know Sulu's scoring system.

"Well there was a lot of violence, but sadly no slapping or trash talk-"

Jim cut him off, cackling out.

"The trash talk started _before I woke you up_ , Spock called Leo an unintelligent pest"

Sulu proceeded to carry the trash talk to the square root of Spock's broken nose.

"Ah, a solid nine then Captain!"

Leo looked at the two hellspawn, with barely contained disdain.

"Can we change the topic, maybe to why the fuck we're all stuck here together?"

Jim looked between him and Spock.

"... Let's get you cleaned up first, you both look like shit-"

 _"I feel so loved"_

"-and we should wait to make a plan when the other two are awake"

Jim finished, looking at Leo with the same 'you know I'm right' gaze his Ma did when he brought Sabine Fuller home and she told him to put her back where he got her from.

And she slept with his third cousin... so maybe he'd listen to Jim.

 _Just this once though goddammit!_

* * *

 _"Leo"_

"Yes, Jim?"

"How the fuck did you get away with only a few cuts and bruises _after you broke Spock's nose_ _and his goddammed wrist!"_

 _"_ Pure fucking Georgian _rage darlin"_

Spock looked at the Mccoy, who was getting first aid from Jim.

"Chekov is Mccoy and the Captain engaging in Terran flirtation?"

Chekov, who had grown very attached to his Keptin since he woke up, chirped.

"Yes, yes he is! And should Leo hurt the Keptin, _I will bring upon him the wrath of Russia's winters"_

Spock logically scooted away rather quickly.


End file.
